Filed under: you're mad
dear CEO of _______,
i want to let you in on a little secret. there are a lot of people around here running up and down the halls, printing documents, filling coffee mugs with free soda and drinking those bottles of water (i have had 3 so far today). these people, your employees, look very busy and i suppose some of them are, but the rest of us have NOTHING to do and we would like to go home. its nice outside and i would like to sit out by the pool maybe read a book or a trashy magazine.
sure, i’ll check my email and if you need me to respond i can even do that, but please just let me go home. the pattern on my back of my legs from the chair i have been sitting on is taking longer and longer to fade each day and i actually think im getting stupider (yes, i just said stupider…see?).
thank you for your kind consideration of this memo.
cheers,
libby
Filed under: im mad
ok, so if you are a hairdresser and having a bad day makes you cut BAD hair, then on your “bad days” do not come into work, act like you aren’t sad until the cut is over and THEN proceed to tell me how being married to your husband makes you feel like you are trapped in a cage of “grayness” and that your aura is losing all its “yellow wonder.”
i might be going out on a limb here, but i don’t think having a punk rock/80′s broadcast journalist wig as my new hairstyle is really making me look sexy, but thanks for the in-genuine compliment lady…and yes, i did cut two AND A HALF inches off the back, but that was only so i would not be starting a one girl revolution to bring back the FEMULLET.
sorry that being married sucks, but i better go–me and my long carol-brady-do are going to hide under our desk and drink from a flask.
Filed under: im mad
i need some help. i think i have officially become bored with existence. no…this does not mean im going to go jump out the window. although i doubt jumping out a second floor window would cause any serious damage anyway–maybe i would break my nose and get a new one–i could finally have the ideal ski slope nose i have lusted after since 5th grade. le sigh.
important fact: 37% of women want Elizabeth Montgomery’s nose.
back to my point…i am bored. as a child this was a phrase that left my mouth about every 9 minutes. it is the main reason why i got in trouble in school–my boredom distracted the other students. recently i found a letter from the administrative office of my elementary school asking my parents to allow me to move into the Gifted and Talented class. they did not approve of this–but even without the approval–my teacher would send me to another classroom to study whales (i was OBSESSED with whales) when i was done with my work.
im still mad at my parents for not allowing me to join the GT class, they got to perform Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Henry Miller was in that class. He was the cutest boy in school; i once lied to my best friend about being his girlfriend (i still feel guilty). im also certain that my lack of an impressive career or extensive degrees is based on the fact that at 8 years old my parents held me back from my true potential (eating chocolate and kissing Henry Miller on the playground). bastards.
Filed under: you're mad
there is a girl (nameless) with an ex boyfriend who actually compared himself to Peter Pan. no, i don’t believe she is/was dating Michael Jackson. but he said that he has issues with dating her because he never wants to grow up. yeah. creepy.
so here is the deal…NO ONE WANTS TO GROW UP! despite the fact that in junior high i was awkward and angry, there are still days when i wake up and think it might be fun to have a seventh grade re-do.
this is a short list of reasons growing up is sad:
- we don’t get to hang out with captain hook and tigerlilly (ok…sorry, i had to)
- work is not exciting 82.7% of the time (or more depending on the quality of gossip in your office)
- you have to pay bills BEFORE purchasing shoes
- you are not as hilariously insane as you used to be
- peeing your pants is NOT ok
- your back hurts
- you get wrinkles, old people zits AND hangovers
- less naps
additions…?
Filed under: im mad
im worried.
im worried about you thinking im funny or not funny. im worried about someone walking up behind me in my cube and seeing me typing this. im worried that i will have a BAD t-shirt tan tomorrow or that i have a ‘stach that only i can’t see. im worried that diet coke is actually way more fattening than dr. pepper, that i have something in my teeth and im worried that the reason SHORTY (obviously not a real name) hasn’t responded to my text is because he thinks of me as a sister.
WORRIED!
in order to get over these worries i am trying to learn how to sing the alphabet backwards. no seriously. its really helpful to get your mind off the hard-knocking truths of the day. also, when you are repeatedly quizzing the magic eight ball–”does he like me?/is he ignoring me?/does he see the ‘stach that only i can’t see?”–the backwards alphabet is the ONLY cure.
i used to ask flowers what boys thought about me by pulling the petals off one by one, and it seems logical that in my mid twenties i would no longer rely on such things to predict my (sad sad sad/pathetic) love life…which is clearly why i have moved up to the eight ball. plus i got tired of replacing the flowers.
z y x w v u …
Filed under: you're mad
have you heard of a hat trick? it’s a hockey term (and i don’t know anything about hockey–or most sports really) that refers to a player on a team scoring three goals in one game. there is some back-and-forth about hat trick-specifics on wikipedia (go figure).
when i was in high school there was also a computer game that i used to play at this guy ryan’s house where we had to steal cars and get with hookers. if you got three in one night it was a hat trick.
my friend L is working on a hat trick and i am shopping for a trophy. if she hooks up with three male roommates she gets a reward (and im not talking about the clap).
the rules of the L hat trick game are simple:
- the three roommates must NOT know they are pawns in the hat trick
- roommates must not know that L has hooked up with any of the others
- making out constitutes hooking up (L might not have morals, but she is no tramp)
- the hat trick must occur within 1 month of today
and…go!
Filed under: im mad
this is my first post. i just adjusted my theme to reflect someone who “is interested in doing acts of kindness” at least that is what the theme description said. of course, im trying to come up with something that i did that was kind today and i’ve got nothing…except–well i smiled at this creepy guy when he got in the elevator. i really wanted the doors to close before he got on, but it didn’t happen.
i live in a city much like yours and have a job like yours and a commute like yours, but i am friends with people unlike anyone you have ever met.
its nice to meet you bored at work, i’m madlibby and i hope we get to chat again soon.
——————————
things i have already done to make you like me:
given myself a clever name
used grass in my header–everyone likes green, it’s science
humbled myself for being unkind
explained that in many ways, i am just like you
