Filed under: im mad
It’s a jungle out there. On the internet I mean. Sometimes it is nearly impossible to derive meaning from the profiles of possible suitors, so I have developed the following guideline to help you understand what kind of crazy expectations these ugg-os have for their lady friends.
1. He has pictures in a military uniform – He is poor and will beat you.
2. “I am active and want a woman who takes care of herself” – He’s a douchbag and you better be hot.
3. “I’m funny” – wrong
4. “I’m sarcastic” – he is a dick
5. “I’m very close with my family” – His mom breastfed him until he was 13
6. “I make $100,000+ a year” – seriously you put that?
It should be pretty clear at this point that people are lying out there. I am the only normal and decent person trying to find a super wealthy, tall, interesting man with a full head of hair, reasonable exercise schedule/vocabulary/interest in books and art, who wants to marry and support a funny, fake red-head with too many opinions and big thighs. How is this hard? It really shouldn’t be. Boys are such jerks.
xoxo,
MadLibby
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